People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
You Might Also Like
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Meow
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp