My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
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Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
me opening up to someone
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest