My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
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Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.