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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
I like crazy people until they notice me
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.