how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
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Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.