[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
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They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude