Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
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embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.