“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
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[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*