I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
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Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.