I feel it
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Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Damn what did I do next
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.