Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
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When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.