If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
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Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.