You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
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“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!