the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
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[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
based al yankovic
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter