Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
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Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.