you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
You Might Also Like
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
What number SPF blocks people?
“i am a sweet baby”
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm