When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
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*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Harsh but fair
“Great, now I have to pee.”
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
everyone’s a critic
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.