Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
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“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
For anyone who needs this today
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask