[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
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EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Weirdos gonna weird.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party