I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
You Might Also Like
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Sooo many times…..
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog