ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
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X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit