Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
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One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
apparently this year was written by stephen king
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9