Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
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Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.