Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
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good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!