[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
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The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer