If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
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My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.