“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
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My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
my astrological sign is a french fry
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.