I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
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kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Okey dokey.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.