Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
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I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!