IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
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My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?