My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
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“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR