Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
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Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
I like donuts.
Twitter:
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?