Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
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[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
How dude HOW?!
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
found this cool rock hiking today
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else