If you know, you know
You Might Also Like
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?