Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
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My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
The USS B port