We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
You Might Also Like
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
🤣🤣
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.