Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
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Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.