Hank is one in a melon.
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[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
mathematically impossible
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.