I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
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There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
two people or more is called a problem
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?