I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
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It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.