You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
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Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
I drew y’all a little something.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”