[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
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Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.