8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
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The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC