Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
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Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
seems fine
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Not all heroes wear capes….
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)