Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
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Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked