Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
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As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
i love modern commerce
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.