[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
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Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”