5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
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First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍