Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
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When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
BRAKING NEWS!!
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo