Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
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Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?